Spending Time and Money with Catherine Howard

We de the people we don’t care what how we dress we don’t care what we eat we don’t care if we’re fat we don’t care if we’re skinny we don’t care if for ugly we don’t care for pretty as long as when especially when you feel like when you’re my son I was my son always says that Mama being you my knee hurts but the minute you’re drum Mama’s out to really going out you know by your identity the people are trying to change us you know I don’t like when they when they put fake things on TV you know of the way we dress you know you know and then and we never did I never did use makeup in my life I never used makeup and uh my mom says need chocolate God made you like that and you be like that if God wants you to be hyoka she said you will be one if God wants you to look like a clown you’ll be a clown you know for making up make up you know and that’s our identity that we’re losing if you ever noticed that in a community where I come from it’s you know cut off way up here and blouses way down here tattoos all over here that’s our identity with but we don’t realize that you know hickeys we never had those long time ago the things that your our identity we really losing that and times even our tribal leaders are doing that if you ever notice some of our tribal leaders they change you know they know the that’s what changes us M says that you have a lot of money you’re going to lose your mind you’re going to forget you’re an Indian you’re going to act like a wasichu and it is the truth you know like paydays come I remember I told that to my son when paydays come you have a list okay this what I’m going to pay you’re at the casino spend it all then all this not paid so when I get paid off my I was called Ivan I’m going to town pay my bills well I’m going to call over there see if you’re there you know I was pay he’s probably like a leader you like he’s my um how would I say that how would I say that before I do anything I was ask him you know I was tell him you know what I’m so he knows what I’m doing and he when I when I was work when I when I was when him and I was growing up I worked from 7:00 to 8:00 in the morning or no 12:00 to 7: I work he works from 4: to 12: so when he gets home at 12:00 I’m going to work so he puts his brothers to school and then by time I’m getting home they’re just getting on a bus by time boy that was a circle we worked I worked at that place was it what like 11 years like that and you know and I never got a chance to see my boys grow from work I mean I see them and now as even though they’re my youngest my baby is 40 he was born in 73 72 you know I hug my boys also I love you guys every day I love my children I don’t care what happens my kids come first you know what sometimes like when I’m over here the youngest one two when was that about four years ago maybe five I the doct just called us in Devil late they said he got sick I went over there and your doctors told us he had therosis and he’s out up working I’m I’m going lose him on these days but he hasn’t been drinking for three years now and every day I pray to I never want to lose my baby you know and sometimes what am I going to do if I lose one of my boys I lost my oldest son today I still think about I was tell to why didn’t you take me you know but it hurts and it won’t lose none of my kids and God took the oldest one away from me but to this day sometimes when I travel with my baby my boy I’ll tell him that you know I love my you I love you guys every day I visit my kids especially when that oldest one he can be all over he don’t have a car he’s always broke but he will call from California he will call from Las Vegas he’ll call he is all over that place I timeing my boy I said you know one of these days I said I said would you stay around the house you know so I know where you’re at geez Mom I got to see the world you know and that day he came home I could just see him when he was standing at the door well I’m home now what you going to do about it he said E I said now I’m going to have a heartache I’m going to be headaches and well I’m going there no you better stay you know he kind of teases around he’s the one day he called from new town and he said Mom I hate to tell you this but he said I got to tell you something I said what is it he said I bought a pistol well I bought a pistol from my friend he said I said for what and he said ah I said I’m tired of living now I said g don’t be saying that he said people want to live they take 14 15 pills a day here you want to die no he said I’m going to use it Mom okay I said I’ll make a deal with you my boy he said why come home with that gun I said that gun you got come home Boom come back to mama’s house he said why because when you could bring it back of you all pull the trigger he stood there for a long time no I ain’t going to do that Mom you know just jokey I said that to him and when he came back he came back he did have that pistol he said mom he said this is what I was going to take my life with in there I didn’t even not even 3 weeks after that he passed away yeah his he had a heart pure I never knew my son had a heart pressure never he never told me until that day he got sick and I went that doctor said that he was drinking too much smoking too much pot and stff that heart Pacer was giving off they couldn’t put a new one in I said when did you get that I had that for about 9 years and he never told me yeah but he we did we put him in a hospital and I put him in a home got in that home that early that morning about 20 after four about a little after four you passed away yeah I lost my old and you know and it’s hard sometimes but I guess one of these days we have to go